How Not to Name a Baby
One of the very first acts of parental responsibility is bestowing a name upon your precious bundle of love. Naming a child is a huge deal. The name precedes a person. It’s a gateway to a job or to a date (ever turned someone down because you didn’t want to be Mrs. Erica Shartz?) It is a forever first impression that will impact this tiny human for the rest of his or her life. Do a great job, this child will proudly declare their name with the confidence of Celine Dion singing “My Heart Will Go On”. Do a bad job, well, you saw the movie “Joe Dirt”, right?
A baby’s name doesn’t just affect the child. The name a parent gives to a baby tells the world EVERYTHING WE NEED TO KNOW about what kind of parent a child is dealing with: good, bad, or hopelessly obnoxious. Baby “John” and baby “Mary” have conventional parents who will teach their children to respect tradition. Baby “Rocco” and baby “Isla” have unique parents who will raise their babies to be fiercely independent and strong. So what does the name “X Æ A-12” say about his parents? Because in case you’ve been too inundated with COVID-19 conspiracy theories to pay attention to anything else going on in the world, that’s what Elon Musk and his girlfriend Claire Elise Boucher named their child. And the kicker: they can’t even agree on how to pronounce it.
I think it’s safe to state that no parent WANTS to give their child a crappy name. Just like no bride WANTS to wear an ugly wedding dress. Unfortunately, though, God gives us all different gifts which means that for some, taste was left off the list. I often wonder if kids with unfortunate names did something really bad in a past life that they now have to work through each day, pushing the bolder of the horrible moniker up the hill of judgmental preconceived notions.
For a lot of parents, the name they choose for their baby is a very personal decision that evolves through experiences, connections, and compromise. If I name my baby after my beloved great aunt Malvolia, it speaks volumes to how wonderful great aunt Malvolia must have been in my eyes that I would bestow such a monstrosity upon my tiny little love. So if someone comes along and voices their dislike, it’s extra painful.
A lot of parents won’t divulge the name they’ve chosen until after the baby is born. After hearing several co-workers give their unwanted opinions on my baby’s name, I don’t blame the parents for waiting til it’s a “done deal”. It was super obnoxious to hear people without kids tell me why I shouldn’t call my son by his middle name. It was equally as obnoxious to hear someone who gave their kid a stupid name tell me that the name I chose for my child sounds “gay”. Luckily I had the pregnancy hormones to unleash my fury upon them all.
When I first learned I would be a mom, I knew exactly what my baby girl’s name would be. When I moved to Italy, knowing no one and having never left the US before that, I had a hard time adjusting. I was incredibly homesick. But one morning I was walking to the bank and a teenaged boy was selling roses on the street and he smiled and said, “Ciao, Bella” and it made me smile. Right in that moment I knew that if I ever had a little girl I would name her Bella so she would always feel beautiful. And she is incredibly beautiful. And smart and kind and loving and insightful and funny and… just amazing.
This is a pic of my kiddies when they were still so little! My amazingly talented friend Carmen Aultman with carmenaultmanphotography.com took this picture and I love it even years later. She moved away to North Carolina and I miss her! So if you’re in NC, check out her work, give her a shout, then book her pronto.
My son’s name, Roman, was a bit of a hard sell. My husband thought it sounded too much like a soap opera name. Mostly cuz it totally IS a soap opera name. But I loved it. I wanted my son to have the strongest name of anyone on that playground. No one would pick on a kid named ‘Roman’! I fought hard for it and I’m so glad I did because he’s totally a Roman. No other name would fit that kid. He’s confident and unique and passionate and melts me with one look.
I wanted both of my kids to have strong, unique, meaningful names. So I totally understand others who want to do the same. But with celebrities who are used to pushing the envelope, sometimes the outcome is quite unfortunate for the unsuspecting tiny little baby. If you’re wondering whether or not a name you’re considering is too “out there”, I think a good litmus test for determining if you should consider a name is whether or not BOTH parents can pronounce it. If the answer is “no”, scrap it. Immediately. I mean, I know Prince went through a phase when he decided to go by a symbol and be referred to “The artist formerly known as Prince” but he was a GROWN ARSE MAN who could make the decision on his own. He didn’t have to endure the humiliation of a substitute teacher trying to pronounce his name in front of 20 cruel twelve year olds.
I’m way too curious about how Elon’s new baby will fare after learning about “THE” name of 2020. Let’s see how this turns out. For those of us fortunate enough to have a sweet, precious little life to name, my advice is to give that angel a name that you are proud of and a name that you are 100% sure of. Not everyone will approve and that’s ok. If it’s weird, own it, start saving for the inevitable therapy sessions that your child will require in about 18 years, and don’t listen to anyone’s opinion because most of them have probably named their kid something stupid anyway. Stay pretty, y’all.
