Three Reasons to Not Follow Alicia Silverstone's Parenting Advice
A few weeks ago, between news of the death and destruction that has come to be synonymous with the year 2020, you might have missed a news story about Alicia Silverstone proudly declaring that she’s spending her time in quarantine by taking baths with her nine year old son. I was scrolling through people.com when I came across that headline and had to read more after I threw up in my mouth a bit. Let’s face it: all parents do things that other parents find odd or weird. While there’s no instruction manual, leaving all of us parents leaning on our own common sense, I think most of us can agree that sitting naked in stagnant water with an adolescent boy is a bad idea for MANY reasons. But here are three:
1. Nine year old boys are dirty. I know. I have one. Well, he’ll be nine in a few days. He’s adorable and kind and gives the best hugs. He LOVES to play outside and get SUPER sweaty and HATES to wash his hair. If I were to place him into a tub full of mildly warm stagnant water, I’m fairly certain that the water would quickly develop a film of sweat and grime from all the dirt that he has on his body. If I were to take a bath with my precious dirty little man, that film and grossness would be floating around me… all around me… just hanging out in the water, waiting to touch me. I love my son more than I’ve ever loved any other male in the whole world. He melts me. I’m fairly obsessed with him in the healthiest way possible. But I love him just a little bit more when he’s not sharing his smelly with me. Just kidding. Kind of.
2. Nine year old boys like to point out things they find weird, gross, or abnormal and I don’t care to have my body scrutinized. My son loves to tell me when I have a crazy gray hair sticking straight up or when my leg hair is longer than usual. Imagine how he would react if he saw my thirty-nine year old boobs. Or my dimply butt that droops more than it did ten years ago. Noooo, thank you. I care to keep in tact what little self confidence I have remaining and hold tightly to it for as long as I can. And the way I intend to do that is by not allowing my most judgmental child to see me naked if I can help it.
3. My bath time is relax time. When I’ve had a long day, maybe gone for a run in the heat if I felt particularly frisky, I love nothing more than to soak my sore, achy old body in a tub of scented, steamy water. Ultimate relaxation awaits as I slowly dip my toes into the liquid comfort. I sit back and breathe in the aroma of lavender with a Target-quality wrinkle mask hugging my face. Nine year old boys are the anti-relax time. Constant questions, pranks, inappropriate jokes… you get the picture. How is that relaxing or enticing in any way? In fact, it’s an experience I would purposefully avoid, like I’ve tried to avoid people coughing COVID-19 everywhere.
We all do what we feel is best for our kids and love to spend time with them, unless we’re terrible people who never should have been parents in the first place. There are SO MANY things I love to do with my kids. I love to watch movies with them, go to the park, travel to new places… call me crazy, but bathing is no where near that list. Hey, maybe that’s just me. Stay clean, y’all. Stay pretty.
