How To “Do It All”

Moms are humans. Not fembots. Be nice to yourself, momma.

I used to look at other moms & wonder what I was missing. What did they know that I didn’t? They always looked so put together. I was always frantic, makeup half-done, hair in a bun cuz it was so full of dry shampoo that there was no other option.

How did they do it?

How did these moms get up, get themselves put together so meticulously, dress their kids in clothes that look like they just walked out of an Instagram ad, & meet me at the daycare entrance as I was screeching in on two wheels knowing I’d be 15 minutes late to work while they were happily strolling to their car?

How did they work a full day & still look beautiful & calm as they collected their babies, knowing full well that dinner was up next? I was drowning in the waves. How were they not?? Where did they get that surf board? How did they learn to surf the towering waves of the daily working-parent grind?

Between waking up at 6am (ok, ok, you got me. That’s when I started hitting snooze… I usually dragged myself from my lumpy mattress at 6:30), getting the kiddies up & dressed, getting them fed, making sure they have everything they needed for school, getting myself presentable within the confines of the dress code for my office, & grabbing my makeup bag to put my face on in the parking lot, I was barely hanging on. It was survival mode. Autopilot.

I wanted to take in every moment with my kids. I wanted to be present. Not blown around in the wind from one stressful minute to the next waiting for the other shoe to drop. When would the dishes get washed? Never. When would I do laundry? When my equally busy but much less chaotic husband does it. Otherwise, it’s “Kids out of underwear? We’ll just buy more while we’re out.” It’s called multitasking.

Oh! And getting roped into volunteering (cuz we all gotta do our part, right?) & coaching (how can I say no when there’s no one else to do it?!) & trying to plan trips with no extra money… seriously, where does all the money go?? This can’t be the answer. This can’t be life.

At times I felt like I didn’t even know my family. We were just existing together. I saw how easily couples fall into the “my husband & I are business partners or co-workers” which really made me sad. I didn’t want to lose our connection. I didn’t want to wake up one day & realize that we didn’t know each other anymore. I didn’t want him to see me as his secretary or as his employee. But I was/am the parent who has more flexibility with my job. So I’m the one who is dealing with contractors & schedules & doing my best to make sure everything happens as it should… all while working & being a parent. I was failing. And I felt it every.single.second.

I knew I had to make a change if I didn’t want to lose myself, my relationship with my kids, or my marriage.

But how? What to do?

First of all, I started to celebrate the things that I DID, rather than focusing on what I didn’t get done. Ok, so the dishes are still in the sink. But I got the kids to school on time & with all of their stuff. Yes, Bella is wearing a shirt from last year that I didn’t remove from her closet & now that it’s too small, NOW it’s her favorite shirt & her teacher will think we don’t take care of our kids BUT I did remember to take the chicken out of the freezer so I could make dinner so… who’s winning? Me.

Next, I figured out how to say “NO!”. Not only that, I learned how to say “no” without feeling guilty! That southern mom guilt I’ve wrestled with for 14 years can fuq off. I’m done with that. And in learning to say “no”, I realized that it’s not a negative thing. I’m turning down the extra so that I can say “yes” to the things that need my attention the most. I’m saying no to being on the PTA so that I can say yes to my mental health. (I’ve heard stories). I’m saying no to volunteering at my daughter’s band camp so that I can say yes to catching up at work after being on vacation. I’m saying no to being room mom for my son’s class because I know I’d not have the flexibility to do it justice while working full time.

I listed out my priorities. That is my yes list. Everything else is ancillary. I only have a finite amount of time in my day. Before I had kids, I had time to harp on details. I had less mental chaos. I had more energy to care about alphabetizing my bath & body works shower gel. But now my universe of responsibility has expanded within the same 24-hours in the day. Either I can let go of some of the things I used to care about or I can drive myself even crazier. And the world can’t handle any more crazy from me.

I’ve since been asked “how do you do it all??” Which, in and of itself is an enigma. My reaction was to laugh.

My answer:

I don’t. I don’t do it all. I do what is required of me to take care of myself & my mental health. I raise my kids in the manner in which I feel is important to their safety and stability. I do my best to love my husband in a way that he accepts love. I do what I have to do to contribute financially to our home. And at the end of the day, when I’m exhausted & still overwhelmed, at least my family can say with 100% certainty that I put them at the top of my priority list. But at the very top, I put myself. Because an unhappy me is a me who has nothing to give.

So, if you find yourself in the position of wondering how another mom seems to do it all while you can barely get by, talk to her. She may be really good at pretending. Or maybe she can give you some really great advice. My advice, learn to prioritize yourself. Learn to say no. And let go of anything that doesn’t really matter.