Forget Unicorn Moms, I Wanna Be a Flamingo

Hey, y’all! I’m Tiphi. I’m a unicorn mom. I’m so cray-zee.

I used to think of myself as one of those “unicorn moms”. I didn’t really know where the term came from, but it sounded cool. “Unicorn mom”. Like a Sasquatch. But prettier. Do they exist? Who knows! Can anyone prove they DON’T? No!

Unicorns are rare, marvelous creatures. Kinda mystical, mysterious, magical (wow, lots of “M” words). Who doesn’t want to be mysterious and magical?? But I’ve had an epiphany during this existential crisis I’ve been working through over the past two years. And after much consideration, meditation, and internal debate brought about by having too much time on my hands while not writing, I’ve come to the conclusion that as much as I want to be mysterious and marvelous, I don’t relate to unicorns. 

{Kinda like how I used to think I would become the badass Michonne from The Walking Dead if the world ended only to uncover when everything shut down that I can’t function without Chick Fil A and Starbucks.}

According to Urban Dictionary, a “Unicorn Mom” is defined as “a mother who’s not perfect, enjoys alcohol, has a sense of humor, and couldn’t care less what you think”. I mean… that fits. I’m super flawed. Not at all perfect. I do enjoy a glass of wine every now and whenever anyone asks. As a comedian, I hope I have a sense of humor. And as for what “you” think: as long as “you” means, like, a general “you” and not YOU, no, I don’t care what other people think. 

So what’s the problem, ERICA???

Well, let me explain! Unicorns (once again, just like Sasquatches) hide in the forest. Or in the sky, depending on what cartoon you watch. Either way, they definitely don’t put on their favorite pair of leopard-print pants & red stilettos to grab a drink at the hottest rooftop bar in town just to “see and be seen”. And that’s pretty much one of my favorite things to do. I also like to drive my Jeep through mud with the top down. I’m a contradiction. So, what?  I can do what I want. I’m the mom. But I’m not just a mom. Defining myself as a “Unicorn mom” feels incomplete.

In light of this realization, and with too much time on my hands, I started thinking, ‘what animal best represents who I am as a person?’ Feminine. Weird. Kinda funny. Loves seafood. DUH! It’s a FLAMINGO! Why didn’t I realize this before? Keep your unicorn mascot, ‘unicorn moms’. I’d rather be a flamingo. 

Flamingos DGAF. They’re weird. They’re real. They’re kinda awkward. They love shrimp. A flock of flamingos is called a “flamboyance” so that’s pretty cool. They hang out in random people’s yards. They love the beach. They have excellent balance. Do they like alcohol? I don’t know. Maybe. But liking alcohol doesn’t define me. My absurd love of sunglasses defines me. Just like an absurd love of sunglasses defines the flamingo. Now comes the question, ‘Are they funny?’ I bet they are. But I really don’t know. 

This flamingo is cray-zee!

One thing I DO know: they are beautiful. They’re beautiful BECAUSE they’re weird and awkward. Like me. Like you. Like us. So, beautiful flamingo, I invite you to join the flamingo human club. It’s pretty easy to get into. Just speak your truths without apologizing. Stand on those proverbial beaches on one leg & own our pinkness while wearing bedazzled sunglasses. Also, it’s not just a club for moms. It’s a super cool club for super cool humans. And, yes, you can sit with us.